You ever get the feeling of being utterly exhausted but your mind is running a mile a minute so there's no point in laying down until you get it all out. So here I am at 11 pm typing away just to get things off of my mind...
First, I want to apologize to every single person who has tried to reach out to me with Landen and all I've done is shot them down or seemed ungrateful. It's not that I'm not grateful... I am, I swear but I hate feeling like I need help. I've always been very independent and don't like to lean on ANYONE. So when people offer me help with the girls or with the baby, I'm quick to shoot it down. So here I am... apologizing... "I'm sorry for appearing ungrateful or uninterested or mean or grumpy or cranky". I was EXTREMELY cranky at church today. I'm just exhausted with everything right now. And sometimes you just want to go to church and sit, and relax, and enjoy. That hasn't happened since... well... since before I had kids, basically. And sometimes I'm so frustrated that Landen can be so fussy at times (thus the crankiness at church) that I tend to take it out on everyone else. And then sometimes I think to myself, maybe he's not really THAT fussy. Maybe I'm the fussy one. Maybe I'm the one who needs a pacifier and a little rocking. It's true what they tell you, 3 kids is HARD. Much harder then I expected. I knew it wasn't going to be a walk in the park, but I didn't know that most days I wouldn't shower before noon. That my poor girls would basically have a free for all every day just as long as they didn't kill each other. That my arms would get so tired from holding my little boy. And that lunch would get later and later every day. Sorry, I'm just venting... and many of you have already heard this coming out of my mouth before.
STUPID... yep, that's Mia's new favorite word. At first I had no idea where this word was coming from. Because honestly, we don't say that word very often. Anyways, so once we heard it coming from our sweet little girl's mouth about 4 times a day, she got in big trouble. She would literally say, "Stupid!... not". Like she was trying to take it back the minute it flew out of her mouth. Now that Kalea and Mia know that this word is unacceptable in our home, when ever we hear the word on TV they look at me and say "That's a bad word." I know what you're thinking... what in the world are you letting your kids watch that says the word Stupid.
Ex: Ratatouille, Aladdin, and Meet the Robinson's.
Sad, huh. It's not like we're watching these crazy movies with swearing and violence. We're watching Disney!! It's very frustrating that the girls are so conscience of this word now. It makes me feel like they're losing a little bit of their innocence.
So we bought a Camcorder like 4 years ago that apparently stopped working. And by stopped working I mean needed to be cleaned. So 4 years later we clean it. We started watching some home videos from FOREVER ago. It was fun to see Kalea as the cutest little 2 year old. She was hilarious to watch. Also, Mia had TONS of hair when she was born and I forgot how beautiful she was as a newborn. But for the biggest shocker, I watched myself at 20 years old on our first (and only) Christmas together without kids. It was so fun to watch and see how cute and different we were. I think sometimes the fun can be sucked out of things when it seems like you're constantly raising children. I know that Christian and I sometimes feel like we aren't the way we used to be. But it definitely opened my eyes to how I was. Some good some bad. I was definitely still as HILARIOUS as I am now. But I was much more carefree. I do miss that about myself. I was definitely just a sassy as I am now. But not nearly as stressed about life. I wonder if I'll ever be able to be that person again. Maybe I'll try and be that person again... or maybe I'll try as soon as Landen starts sleeping through the night. One other thing I noticed was how much Christian adored me in the video. (haha not that he doesn't adore me now). But everything was so new and fresh for us... even just hearing him say "I love you"... You could tell that it was still something so new that came out of our mouths. We were so young and no idea what was ahead of us. When I had the camcorder in hand on Christmas morning Christian had to keep reminding me that these were family videos. Apparently the things I would say weren't exactly PG. What a crazy girl I was!
Ok so now I'm tired and ready to sleep. If I think of more things to write, I will. But until then...
6 comments:
When Isca and Landen are done with "booby snacks" lets go on a trip without the kids and husbands. We both need a mom's weekend away to go shopping or lay around on a beach (I'll be under an umbrella of course so as not to get 3rd degree burns after 10 minutes). And, I understand how you feel about having 3 because Noa is like two kids in one. I pray that he doesn't wear off on Landen when they get older!
We all get frustrated at times; even with just one I do almost everyday...then Spencer will flash a smile...frustration still there but he is just a baby :) Hang in there. I can't imagine more than one but you are doing a great job. The girls are very well mannered and always happy. I can still see how Christian adores you even to this day...true!
I feel exactly like that so often and I haven't even just had a baby! You're doing a great job, 3 is hard but it gets much easier. None of us on the outside would even know you're not a pro (yet). I know what you mean about the S word. My kids told the neighbor I say bad S words sometimes...like stupid and shut up!
You have every right to feel that way sometimes! And to be honest, I think you've handled the adjustment to 3 kids really well. Sometimes I wonder how I'll do with the next one, and I'll probably be calling you, haha! That was fun getting together yesterday, Lillie loves your girls.
My first outing with three left Holly with a broken arm! We went to Sam's club when Wilford was about 4 weeks old (VERY bad idea--what was I thinking?? I needed to get out and paid for that one). It went really well until we were loading things into the car. The cart hit the curb and Holly popped out of the cart (yes, she was standing up in the back of it) and the deed was done, though I didn't realize it was broken until the next day! Ughh! Not a pleasant memory. Three is HARD, but give it 4-6 months. I didn't like to accept help either, but some of my friends picked up Lillie and Holly for playgroup and that was a great help (thanks Alice)! It's a great blessing to have two girls first (since I know no different, of course I see it's advantages)...Lil and Hol save me a lot! You'll get there...
Wow, you have your hands full! I only have one, but I just look up to you and everyone else who's adding to their family, because I often wonder if I'd turn into a terrible mother after one or two. But, I'm sure you're doing great even when it doesn't feel like it. It's good to know that other moms feel hopeless and helpless sometimes, too. I know I do...
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